Trying to stay ... OK!

Sunday, after doing the Schnitzel Challenge the night before, I was feeling a little so so (mentally, NOT sick or anything... just a bit flat), so I decided to go for a drive. I ended up heading up to the Nth Beaches and I found myself at Mona Vale. Not for any reason at all, it is just where I ended up stopping!

After sitting on the beach, pondering (not to mention getting wet as it was showering a little) I then headed for my other little spot and did a bit of 'spotting' at the airport. It is a well know little spot for spotting, but it is quite 'hidden' within the two parallel runways of Sydney Airport. I had been there for about 30-45mins, when this little black 4wd turned the corner, and OMG, it was friends of mine, D&A, with little B! They had been on a little adventure and low and behold, they found me!! This is not the first time this has happened either, when a few months ago, LH and her family had also driven there to pick-up another family member! Also, a couple of weeks back, D A were at at Hungry Jacks for a breakfast, and another mutual friend also happened to be there... WHAT ARE THE CHANCES???!!! lol

Anyway, Monday found us sorting through Lou's clothes and to try and find some missing bits of jewellery. It was a tough day, for both the MIL & FIL, and I tried so hard to keep it together. We went to the club for lunch and had the Buffet, which was really nice. It sort of picked us up a little. We went back past the townhouse where the Jacarandas were in full bloom, and even the White ones, before heading for home. We found almost all of the jewellery (Bolder Opal earring's yet to find) and I said farewell to M&J. Here is where it got tough, REAL tough. I ended up walking through the house, seeing all of her precious things out on display, and all of her work clothes, in piles (shirts, skirts, suits and dresses) and I fell into a blubbering mess. I was this way for about 30 mins, before pulling myself together as I had to meet up with a friend who had just had her first baby, a little girl, but my feelings of 'lost' and 'loneliness' came flooding back when I got back from the hospital... I went to see my GP today, and we have changed a few things, and set up some strategies to cope with it all. It is all a matter of all of the legal stuff, the sorting of stuff and her due day coming up, but I am trying (hard) to stay OK!

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Struggling against the loneliness & depression...

Mood: Depressed/Lonely

Listening to (iPod): War of the Worlds

Today, Father's Day, was a really tough day for me... Don't get me wrong, please, it was a great day over at 'the next sister down', but it was the realisation of how things SHOULD have been...

Everything was going 'according to plan' for us, we had a great house, our dream house, that was slowly getting fixed up, finance's were/are in order and L was pregnant, twins even! Days like this, and many others (Mothers Day, Christmas, birthdays etc) were meant to be fun, family days. Where as today I found myself fighting all sorts of emotions of wanting to cry, scream jump up and down and a whole number of others as well... There was also times of laughter as well, but for the most part of the day, I was fighting anger as well. Certainly not at ANY of the family members I so dearly love, but for the circumstances that I am now in. And it was great catching up again with all of the kids and babies, they are just growing so quickly!

So when I left, I found myself driving, thinking, and before long I was at the Cemetery where they had laid fresh rolls of turf over L's grave. All I wanted to do was to race home, grab whats left of my 'Shirlys No. 17' fertiliser, and sprinkle it over and water it in. But, when I got home, I found myself regressing even further, so I jumped into bed and curled up and simply stared off into nothing... I am beginning think where I would be better off.

I am not really wanting to go to work, who have been and continue to be FANTASTIC in supporting me, I simply have lost the 'drive' to go. But I fight with myself every day to go all the same. Whilst I was away at the conference, I came to the realisation I was ready, and I WAS. But this last week of with chronic hayfever (which is now moving onto a chest infection with a very heavy cough that feels like Jasmine the cat is sitting on my chest) I was finding myself slipping slowly deeper into depression. I spent most days in bed, washing has piled up, dish's need to be washed (not that I have eaten much) but at least they are in the dishwasher.

I am in the final process of organising a trip to Doha, and I will be leaving next Sunday. I am still in a lot of ways, very confused about this, will I or wont I, as I am struggling with the notion of 'leaving' or 'abandoning' L. Whilst I know that she is and always will be with me, I just can't get past this step. I often wonder, is this a normal thing with grief and depression, and if so, does it last long?? I am also wondering if, is it all I need to just leave? I can take Leave Without Pay for a while, and simply do nothing, or is doing nothing not healthy for the mind? I simply do not know what to do anymore...

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