06 September, 2009

Struggling against the loneliness & depression...

Mood: Depressed/Lonely

Listening to (iPod): War of the Worlds

Today, Father's Day, was a really tough day for me... Don't get me wrong, please, it was a great day over at 'the next sister down', but it was the realisation of how things SHOULD have been...

Everything was going 'according to plan' for us, we had a great house, our dream house, that was slowly getting fixed up, finance's were/are in order and L was pregnant, twins even! Days like this, and many others (Mothers Day, Christmas, birthdays etc) were meant to be fun, family days. Where as today I found myself fighting all sorts of emotions of wanting to cry, scream jump up and down and a whole number of others as well... There was also times of laughter as well, but for the most part of the day, I was fighting anger as well. Certainly not at ANY of the family members I so dearly love, but for the circumstances that I am now in. And it was great catching up again with all of the kids and babies, they are just growing so quickly!

So when I left, I found myself driving, thinking, and before long I was at the Cemetery where they had laid fresh rolls of turf over L's grave. All I wanted to do was to race home, grab whats left of my 'Shirlys No. 17' fertiliser, and sprinkle it over and water it in. But, when I got home, I found myself regressing even further, so I jumped into bed and curled up and simply stared off into nothing... I am beginning think where I would be better off.

I am not really wanting to go to work, who have been and continue to be FANTASTIC in supporting me, I simply have lost the 'drive' to go. But I fight with myself every day to go all the same. Whilst I was away at the conference, I came to the realisation I was ready, and I WAS. But this last week of with chronic hayfever (which is now moving onto a chest infection with a very heavy cough that feels like Jasmine the cat is sitting on my chest) I was finding myself slipping slowly deeper into depression. I spent most days in bed, washing has piled up, dish's need to be washed (not that I have eaten much) but at least they are in the dishwasher.

I am in the final process of organising a trip to Doha, and I will be leaving next Sunday. I am still in a lot of ways, very confused about this, will I or wont I, as I am struggling with the notion of 'leaving' or 'abandoning' L. Whilst I know that she is and always will be with me, I just can't get past this step. I often wonder, is this a normal thing with grief and depression, and if so, does it last long?? I am also wondering if, is it all I need to just leave? I can take Leave Without Pay for a while, and simply do nothing, or is doing nothing not healthy for the mind? I simply do not know what to do anymore...


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